Notes from the First Quarter of Impolite Company
A behind-the-scenes look at making my podcast
Back in January I decided to start a podcast.
I had just begun this Substack, yet I missed speaking. Writing is my creative home, but after the recent political shift I was especially craving the conversations it felt like had been suppressed in society the last decade or so. And I was craving discussing these topics in real time — asking questions without having to think them all the way through.
It’s not the first time I’ve had a podcast. I’ve had different podcasts on and off since 2018 (my first ever was called “Sex, Love, & Power for the Modern Man” — oh how times have changed… so much and yet not really!)
So this won’t be a behind the scenes of what it’s like to hear yourself speaking for the first time1 or the logistics of setting a podcast up or the vulnerability of putting yourself out there.
But it will be insight into my creative process, what I think the world needs right now, and how what we create teaches us along the way.
I didn’t work for most of the past couple years. I’d taken time off after leaving a cult and processing that experience. For most of 2024 I was largely offline. But the election woke something up in me, made me ready to come back. I was also questioning for myself: what am I good at? What do I love doing? And one of my husband’s favorite business questions: what is easy for me that is hard for almost everybody else?
Writing was the first obvious answer, translating my experience into words. But also something else emerged that has been in many ways the throughline of my entire life: saying the things other people are afraid to say.
And then I realized something terrible: Even with this quality of mine, I still felt suppressed over the last ten years (which, coincidentally, has been the majority of my adult life). Especially when I was woke, of course, but it stuck around even once I left that behind. I felt the same thing the rest of society did, this walking on eggshells, this caution in the way I spoke. Things I said freely to my husband, I held back with almost everybody else.
So I started thinking: What if I made a podcast where people could be free to say what they actually thought?
I sat on the couch and mused over possible titles… and then suddenly the perfect name popped into my head, and Impolite Company was born.
I decided to release the first episode in late January, figuring I’d put out episodes every two weeks so it didn’t get overwhelming, and could just be a fun project on the side.
But then a couple things happened, and I’ll let you in behind the scenes because so often this is exactly how creative projects work. The first episode was my husband and me talking about our anti-feminist way to approaching household chores (and we discuss the Fair Play book and that awful essay written about it, if you’re familiar).
Then a longtime reader emailed me so many of her thoughts in response that I invited her on the podcast to do a follow-up episode, scheduled a few weeks out. Then the woman I had scheduled for episode 2 backed out last minute.
I was stuck, because the next episode had to come out in a week and nothing was planned. I had a list of guests I was excited to invite on in the future, but I felt like I needed to have at least some episodes out before reaching out to them, since they were all strangers. And I was frustrated.
In some way this is one of my favorite creative feelings, because I’ve had iterations of these things happen so much now that I know what comes next: If I can surrender, it will turn into gold.
This is God redirecting me to something better, I told myself.
It took a couple hours (of feeling annoyed so I could let go) before the idea came to me: Why didn’t I ask my email list if anyone wanted to come on the show? I knew I had some brilliant, interesting people on there… and I thought one or two of them might want to join.
Well, long story short, it turned out that dozens of people wanted to share their “unpopular opinions” with me, to talk to me about a culty exprience they had, and to discuss how they’ve changed their minds on different cultural topics. Each email I received made me even more excited — people understood what I was talking about, and their ideas made it better.
And what I found from having these conversations was that they were so much fun (and of course, still are!) My curiosity has always been one of my loudest traits, and one I typically have to hold back in conversation, since it is not part of normal society to interrogate people about their lives and beliefs upon meeting them. And it hit upon the things I most wanted to know: what have you changed your mind about, and why? What are the thoughts you have in private about the world that you feel like you cannot share in public? Tell me them all!
Soon I had so many episodes piled up that I changed to putting out episodes weekly. (I actually considered two a week for a little bit, but we are moving countries soon so didn’t want to put too much pressure on myself). I am almost three months ahead with recording episodes.
A really fun part for me has been finishing recording episodes with people and having them say things like “That felt so freeing!” or “That was so great, it helped me clarify what I felt.” To me people were doing me a favor by coming on — realizing that it was fun for them too was the best. Conversations started to be closer to 3 hours long.
And I am just thrilled. I love talking about the things that people say are not polite to talk about. Speaking out, questioning, just brings me joy — not being provocative for the sake of it, but asking: why is it that people are so afraid to say this?
In just 9 episodes, we’ve talked about: changing from woke to conservative, polyamory, abortion, if climate change is real, Islam being dangerous, ex-Mormon, queer to straight, anti-feminist perspectives, resentment in marriage, DEI and anti-racism exposed, cults, dark humor, and re-discovering Christianity. Others coming up in the future include things like yogic cults, how our culture handles grief, Christian cults, challenging Christianity, finding Christianity again, BSDM and porn, sex addiction recovery, homeschooling, and recovering from gender dysphoria. I haven’t even had the opportunity to reach out to the people on my list I want to interview yet because it turns out that the people I’m already connected to are just as interesting!
I’ve lost subscribers, of course. I am impressed by the people who have stayed. It’s pretty big whiplash for a “feminine embodiment” coach (I don’t know what else to call my past self at this point) to talking about all of the above. I used to talk about my daily processes, emotions, and life, and the other stuff was just sprinkled throughout.2 Now we are talking about the things listed above. Most of the people who hate these topics left after I told them I voted for Trump. I still get a kick out of every email I send with a new episode, on a new controversial topic. I think this is the stuff that really matters.
The most important thing to me about the podcast is that the point of it is not to share “expert” analysis or “correct” opinions. The point of it is for people to feel free to speak again.
For example, one of the highlights for me personally was on my most recent episode with my husband about dark humor, with me suddenly blurting out, “I am afraid of midgets.” The last decade would tell you that word is a bad word and I am a bad person for feeling that/saying it out loud. No I’m not. No it’s not. Saying how I truly feel is a thing I am allowed to say. It feels exposing because people are ready to jump on you for saying an innocent thing. That is a small thing (meaning there is nothing wrong with midgets, I understand that, I am just telling you my reaction), but it is equally as innocent to question if Islam is bad and anti-racism has had the opposite effect and if women should really be allowed to get abortions.
Saying things out loud is how opinions get examined and refined. People being made to feel bad for their thoughts drives things underground, cements us in our bubbles, and is generally bad for society. We need to say what we think and how we feel. I was always intensely pro-choice until I actually listened to the pro-life argument. It’s easy to have a strong opinion without talking to anyone who feels differently. It’s good to change your mind.
I am also interested in people’s life stories. I joined a book club last year and I remember we had to read a memoir and one woman said upon discussion, “What was the point of her writing this?” That question stuck with me because I hate it. There are few things I love more than hearing about someone’s life. Their thoughts, why they think the way they do, how they have changed and why, what’s happened to them to cause that.
There is no shortage of this. Everybody has a story. I was going to say that some are more interesting than others, but I don’t even know if that’s true. Somebody could say to me “I work on the windmill farms in northern Oklahoma” and I would be like, tell me everything about that, why you do it and what you like and don’t like and how you’ve changed your mind. Actually the least interesting thing to me is a chronic liar/narcissist, because it takes much more courage to live an honest life, mistakes and emotions and all.
Somewhere in the mix of life stories, changing of minds, cult experiences, and unpopular opinions is the birth of my podcast. Impolite Company with Demetra Gray. Also my Substack funds the podcast, so thank you for supporting it with your subscription (whether paid or free, it all means so much!)
You can listen to Impolite Company:
or anywhere else you listen to podcasts.
(or if you prefer video, you can watch us on YouTube here).
Actually I do have a funny story about this as a side note though: The first time I ever created a podcast I spent three hours editing a one-hour episode because I had discovered how much I said “like.” I removed every single “like” and “um” from the episode — terrified that anyone would think I was dumb or didn’t know how to speak. Then I decided to just accept myself as I am and not edit, since it felt more honest. Then some mean older ladies on the internet criticized me for how I spoke (it’s always the older women who are meanest, I find). But I was used to this, because when you create a business the world will always reflect your insecurities back to you. Long story short, I do not edit those things out now (except sometimes in intros to make them quicker), I speak how I speak and I like it
Also I’ve had a hard time finding my way back into the online world after taking a break for so long. I am burned out on sharing the details of my everyday life. Maybe “burned out” is the wrong term, since that implies tiredness. I just am unwilling. I haven’t been on Instagram or Facebook in a year. Sometimes I miss Instagram and I consider going back on, because part of me likes sharing a pretty flower or the food I make or the sweaty track run I just did in my stories. I also would like to see about four people’s stories. But I am unsure. I like seeing other people’s posts sometimes, I find it inspiring. But I also have learned that sharing mine takes something away from me. Because then I start looking at the things around me through the lens of “Should I share this? Maybe I can share this!” whether I want to or not. I’d rather talk about my everyday life when it is relevant to something bigger or months and years after it’s happened. Some distance is needed.